Unbearable nights

 The pain almost feels too great. It’s like a giant boulder, burning on my chest. During the day there are so many things to do and people to care for, but the nights are haunting. 

I fell asleep tonight, only to be woken by thoughts of prison and Taylor. Fears of the future. I know that faith cant survive in an atmosphere of fear, but sometimes that faith stays hidden for a moment and fear is allowed too much power. 

Oh God, where is your pavilion?! I listen to the breathing of my children. I pray their dreams are sweet, but I know that they suffer from nightmares like me. 

I think we humans try to find purpose in everything, I guess that’s one of our gifts. You wonder if it’s delusional, maybe a coping mechanism. 

What heals a heart from something so terrible? How do you move on when the pit doesn’t go away?

Nights like these seem to always come back once my sleep starts to get caught up. It’s almost more bearable to live with the sleep exhaustion, because I don’t have to face the nights of hell. I’m just too tired to wake up, and can get longer nights of sleep. But now it’s back.  

God, it hurts so bad 

God, please watch over him. 

God, please heal my impossible heart.

Please heal my children, with their broken hearts. 

Caleb asked my mom the other day if she had Trump’s phone number…she said she didn’t, but asked why he needed it. 

“….. I just wanted to call and to ask if he is winning”

Weeks ago he asked how long dad will be gone. I told him it will be a long time and I wasn’t quite sure. I said it might be sooner if Trump wins…

He asked,  “Mom, is Trump good at the game”

My reply was, “ I hope so”. 

I hate that things are getting hotter on the political front. I hate to see more and more people getting locked up, and the political right getting more and more agitated.

I pray that men’s hearts will not fail them. I see so much escalation on both sides of the political isle. 

Please Lord, please bless this divided country. Bless us as brothers and sisters. God, please bless that chaos doesn't prevail and that love for our neighbor rules the day. 

Please God, please grant us grace. Grace for our neighbor, grace for ourselves. Thank you Lord, for the calm that can only come through you. This world is a fallen world and maybe that’s the point… Please give all of us the wisdom to see things as they are and things as they can be. Please bless that this fallen state can rise in our hearts to be a paradise for one another. 

I pray for the prisoner tonight. 

I pray for the wanderer that is seeking to find

I pray for the wounded children 

I pray for the wounded adults that silently suffer

I pray for the broken hearted 

I pray for the widower 

I pray for the medically ill

I pray for the mentally ill

God please grant us grace and the eyes to see one another as you see us. Please help us live the gospel that we profess to believe. 

Thank you God, 

Your daughter who loves you,

-Marie